I Don't Want To Be A Visitor Anymore

My best friend is lethargic today, laying in the sunlight that fills our condo. It's probably due to the the new toy that we gave him last night, it's insides are having it out with his. There's a price on everything nowadays, even happiness.

It's the time of the year where everyone is blue and alone. I say we flip the page on the calender and come back to life for each other. You in?

WorldWise

Backseat Sleeper

The light that is falling through the blinds and onto my face doesn't really feel like it's seeping through the bars of a prison anymore.... but I'm still convinced that this bedroom is a cage. I can't breathe in here. I feel like an animal... only an animal has memories without understanding. I understand very well that it's possible to never touch those shafts of light outside of the cage. It's what keeps me awake.

I can make anything into a cage. A heart. A head. A city. A friendship. I collect things and people and ideas. I keep them from the cold. I am the sun, only sometimes even the sun catches a wink behind the clouds.

Signs of life. I'm chewing this piece of gum of yours that I've saved. Blow bubbles baby... but I know that you love me for more than my alliteration.

Sunday finds me losing pieces of myself on purpose, and rooting against the home team. Fall leads to winter and I'm ready for 30 below... myself.

If it means anything, I spend my time with a bunch of people who ignore the vibrant sky and just look for the pot of gold at the end.... except you.

I'm Not Talking About It, I'm Living It

I'm not kidding there, I'm getting there... New Jay-Z has tunneled through my eardrums and into my chest.

Tricking yourself into thinking that you matter enough for someone to remember to forget you... that's the best magic of all. It's fast and hard. I've been saving your 2 cents and they're beginning to add up.

Last night while I was sound asleep I discovered beauty marks on your body and staked my claim. You held my hand when they weren't looking and it jump started my heart into the morning. I only wish I could do that for my loved ones attached to machines. Sometimes I just want to pick up the phone and call anyone to apologize.

I never found Carmen San Diego, or saved the Princess either.

Epilogue Of A Fraudulent Heart

Had another disagreement with myself so I slept on the couch... and despite my inhibitions, I gave moisture to the dead today. Two droplets down my cheeks, while the inner part of me cringed.

I am an unused rock. You are the hesitant wise man. Go ahead and build your house upon me. I'm really just dying to be something solid that will never leave you. Something that is always ok in your head at least. I don't want to sleep alone anymore, and that's more than legs and lips and your head on my pillow.

I've been screaming off my balcony at this sleeping city this afternoon. Do you ever get the feeling that your insides and your outsides don't really go together? Gave a friend tips for his trip to NYC this weekend. It felt more like I was giving him permission to sleep with my girl.

Boomerang Hearts

It's ok to have butterflies in your stomach. Just get them to fly in formation.

Taking ink in a massive dose and watching as blank pages turn black while my hand and head double team my heart.

The inside of my head feels foggy like a London winter, but without all of the class and dignity. Nobody gets how my head feels when I lay sideways on the pillow.

We are becoming who we are meant to be. We are becoming who we were.

Time passes like bottles between thoughts. Letting myself just float.... to just feel ok. Being happy doesn't mean you are unauthentic. Breathing life is alright... in doses you know.

Thank God for all of the reasons that I have to believe... in the form of heartbeats, letters written, and rewritten over again by shaky hands.

They Called Me Stupid, And I Said Dig Deeper

A month away from Chicago. There's a light on. God save the Car Crash Hearts. We're just junkies doing lines of words intravenously. Pulling stars closer just to see your eyes shine brighter. We are the notes you checked the "no" box to.

Give me forever... but put tomorrow on ice because memories are just pain that lost their meaning over time. You don't have to adjust your perspective to lower your expectations... It's funny how a single statement from a stranger stays with you for days, and can be the premature death of that smile you use so rarely.

Sometimes I dream of how the literary world would have changed if Kerouac had a laptop.

One Night Standoff

First words and first steps. Mine were behind closed doors... without credit. It's funny... the way that you can clean yourself up and still be treated as if you are soiled. Right now, I'm the straight line that some keep trying to smudge. Everything to them comes down to the decimal point. My change is just something between the cushions in their eyes.

Sometimes I feel like the new haircut that goes unnoticed... the new shirt that gives you confidence yet only draws ridicule.

Believe me when I say that I've tried to die. My curse is this word "forever" that is written all over me. My failure isn't in the passions that I have, but in my lack of control of them. I've been fighting demons alone and I'm ok with that. I have comebacks for miles.

My grandfather was an artist. He was carving a pair of dolphins out of stone for me when he passed. Although incomplete, it's the most beautiful thing in my life. I can only hope that you'll see me in the same way some day.

"We turned at a dozen paces, for love is a duel, and looked up at each other for the last time." -Jack Kerouac

Dear Tomorrow, This World's Not Big Enough For The Both Of Us

This 12-week old monkey was abandoned by his mother and near death. After being taken to an animal hospital his health began to improve but he seemed spiritless - until he developed a friendship with the white pigeon. The Monkey and the Pigeon. Me and You. Folie a Deux.

FregoliHasNothingOnMe

I Want To Be The Envy In The Pit Of Your Stomach

Reality never sets in when my mind is always dreaming. Is anything tangible anymore? The things I love only exist in voices and still images on the refrigerator.

So far away, electronics hold us together. My mind is at a blank for words... on stand by mode. The architect of hearts has misplaced his brilliant blue prints. All constructive criticism has been put on hold. Hardh(e)a(r)ts required beyond this point.

I'm Your Worst Side. Keep Me To Yourself And Away From Everyone That Matters

Doctors poking arms as I space off in white rooms.

"You're not dead yet. That's just how you feel."

Excuses are just fireworks that never went off... and that never will again. Maybe all of this has only been the medicine talking. Or maybe it's just the only thing I have left in these fingers.

It's all the same as the world spins and I find myself chasing consciousness. I'm somewhere deep inside all of this mess. Just promise to keep chiseling away. Forget the oxygen, pump forgiveness into the darkness.

Motive-ate Me

I'm convinced that my sleep cycle plays hide and seek with time zones. Trap-door eyelids fell asleep on east coast time and woke up somewhere over the Pacific. Back and forth... that's how I'm livin'. From heartbeats to confidence.

The only thing that I'm sure of is that I'm still the same kid sleeping in that same jersey, with high hopes for a better season. K dot C dot. I'm rubbing the scars on my nose and missing you this evening. Nothing compares to the years I spent with my four-legged friend. If I could learn to walk again I'd do it all different.

I swear I'll be the one to distract you with happiness again. Even Dylan went electric. Sometimes we all get lost in who we think we should be. Sometimes we all just get lost. Theres nothing wrong with needing to be found. That's where I'm at right now... according to my latest breath.

Ditching friends, loves, and expectations for the couch and my dog tonight.

Play or Paws

Authentic happiness wears out too fast. Like cheap cologne, it won't hide the mess underneath.

Dropped all of my regrets off at Good Will and used the receipt to scribble down my future mistakes. Aim low and you'll become what you've always meant to be.

She's More Of A Slowdance And I'm More Of A Throwdown

My last dollar will be spent in a bar but not like you think. I'll be hitting the jukebox up for my favorite song. The only 3:41 that makes my head feel clean... in the emptying the dryer vent kind of way. Reloaded and secure.

We're all just trying to throw heartbreak in reverse.

Spend your lunch money on ransom. Rocket ship dreams from suburban back yards. Me and the moon.

BreatheLikeYouMeanIt

From 4248, W Hotel Times Square

Upon checkout I'm going to miss the street lights outside of my window and the serenade of sirens down below... buzzing past the cafe two blocks down that starts my day. I guess it's not really nostalgia, more like an itch for cold porcelain against warm cheeks and blistered feet.

I'm in love with my friends and the way that they can either make or break my day.

RR21 at AK47. Plum outta sleep.